Be Free from Unhealthy Relationships

If you are interested in reading this, then you are very likely someone who is trying to not call, text, e-mail, or even contact via Facebook a person that you:

- Have broken up with, or has broken up with you

- Have determined is abusive

- Are highly attracted to, but is not returning your level of interest (for whatever reason)

- Have an unhealthy connection or relationship with

- Is presently in your life, but you're trying to not act needy with.

Through this work, deep feelings might emerge or become triggered while you work on detaching from the person with whom you are having an unhealthy relationship. You will learn new behaviors, ideas, and concepts to use as tools to help support you in your process.

The whole point of resisting the urge to call, text, or e-mail is to:

• Avoid the risk of getting rejected, hurt, and humiliated
• Give them a chance to feel the loss of you
• Not put yourself in a position of pursuing someone who doesn't return your level of interest
• Detach from someone you've broken up with or has broken up with you
• Detach from someone you've determined is not good for you
• Detach from someone who is abusive
• Detach from someone who is emotionally unavailable
• Not act too overly needy with someone who is currently in your life.

When you contact someone you're not hearing from or trying to let go of, there can be a pleasurable rush of adrenaline from the anticipation of seeing them, hearing their voice, or reading their message. But this rush is just a temporary fix for which you may have to pay a tremendous price.

Even if the person does respond positively when you contact them, it may be momentarily thrilling or electrifying. Soon, however, the anguish will return because the problem is still there -- nothing has really changed. You're still not a couple or the person remains emotionally unavailable. You'll just have to start detaching all over again, doubling your efforts in the process.

If you've ended the relationship because someone was doing something that you experienced as hurtful or simply refused to tolerate any longer, contacting them would take away your credibility for the boundary you set. By initiating contact, you would also be colluding with the behavior you already told them was unacceptable.

Impulsivity

When you contact someone you're trying not to act needy with, it's often impulsive. Acting on impulse can make life exciting and dramatic ... but it can also put you at risk because you're not thinking of the future and the consequences of your behavior. You're just acting in the moment.

So, if you're thinking of making contact, take time to reflect. Sit on your feelings. Endure your anxiety. Don't just do something because you feel like it. There could be disastrous effects if you do.

Call people in your support system to discuss any impulsive urges that come over you -- whether to see, e-mail, call, or text them. Discuss and process your feelings with safe and reliable people. Remember that feelings do pass. After all, feelings are only temporary, which is why it's important to hang in there even when the urge to contact them feels unbearable.

You have to do whatever it takes to endure these urges so you can eventually move beyond them. As you do this more and more, you will feel yourself gaining emotional strength.

Clinging

Clinging is any behavior that demonstrates holding on and not letting go. This can be exemplified by activities ranging from a compulsive phone call, text, or e-mail when they haven't responded to any of your previous contacts. Contacting someone who is not reciprocating your interest or has rejected you is a form of clinging. The urge to cling can be irresistible. You know with your rational mind that your behavior isn't appropriate, but you are driven by a compulsion you feel you can't control. You may experience actual discomfort when you don't carry out your compulsive act.

It's essential to remember that clinging behavior causes most people to distance themselves even further. If someone has issues about intimacy, your clinging will make them feel closed in and claustrophobic. They may feel as if they have no room to breathe from your relentless attempts to get them to prove that they're not going to leave you. Your clinging also makes you look emotionally hungry -- and in turn makes them feel that they'll have to endlessly supply you with reassuring love, which will soon scare them off.

It's human nature to have a hard time falling in love with someone who bombards with phone calls, texts, or e-mails. A clinging person doesn't leave someone a chance to long and yearn for them. They are so available that another person doesn't have the space to fantasize about or miss them -- which unfortunately is sometimes what falling in love is all about.

Why clinging is not productive

There are people whose psychological problems prohibit them from having a relationship. These people are married to their pathology. Your chasing them will not break through their defenses, resistances, and impairment.

Sometimes their lack of response or reciprocation is not even about you; it's truly about them. It doesn't make a difference, because no matter who it's about, they just can't do it. They can't be there for you. You must face the truth of their unavailability so you can let them go and move on. The bottom line is that you can't force another person's feelings, motivation for relationship, or emotional health no matter how many rules and programs you follow or implement.

In fact, if you don't chase them around, you'll get an opportunity to see what they do when they don't get any prompts or reminders from you.

The above excerpt was taken from the "Be Free From Unhealthy Relationships" online course by Rhonda Findling. This course comes with the option to choose your own price! If you'd like to take the entire course, click here.

Personal Views:

Action steps: What you can do when you feel the need to cling

• Distract yourself to more meaningful or challenging activity like working on a habit or working on a dream.
• Realise that the pull develops only if the push is ceased so don't cling infact work on yourself.
• Don't listen to emotional songs or booze, even if you do stay out of socio-digital mediums to vent it out.
• Draft a msg or mail but don't send it till after 12 hrs you revise your intentions. I am sure it will change and save you of repentance.
• Try to engage yourself in playing with kids or infants or old people. You will learn a lot more through introspection than resisting the urge to make you feel bad about your obsession.