The Splash of Wisdom

R elationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking: Have we discussed whether or not we stay in a joint family & preparedness to willingly accept the new members? Do we have a clear idea of each other's financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh? Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores? Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental? Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect? Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears? Will there be a television in the bedroom? Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another's ideas and complaints? Have we reached a clear understanding of each other's spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when...

Previously, I wrote here on research about when you should play "hard to get" in relationships. That research also found an interesting distinction between behaviors that created "liking" and those that increased "desire" (Dai, Dong, & Jia, 2014). In other words, being easy, congenial, and friendly made a person more "likeable," but not more attractive or desirable as a romantic partner. In contrast, being aloof and challenging made a person more attractive and desirable, but did not make them likeable. This finding left me wondering whether this distinction between liking/friendship and desiring/attraction could be behind other romantic issues as well. After all, many individuals find it difficult to avoid or get out of the "friend zone" and build a romantic connection with a friend (see here and here). Similarly, "nice" men and women often feel like they finish last in relationships, being picked over for "bad"...

Have any of these things ever happened to you? Your boss—or your spouse or partner—takes forever to answer your email or text, if they answer it at all. You walk down the street and people look right past you. You’re taken for granted by someone you’ve worked hard to please. You race to get to an appointment on time…and the person no-shows. You submit a job application and don’t even get a rejection letter. As Elie Wiesel wrote, “The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference.” Indeed, being ignored can feel worse even than being rejected, making you feel as if you don’t matter at all. When you’re often treated with indifference, you can tend to write yourself off as unworthy; if that's your default emotion, it may be a sign that you might want to work on yourself. Take a look inward: Are you asking for too much? Should you work to improve something about yourself, such as your attitude when you make requests of others? You should consider these issues, but more often, the real...