What to Do When You're Being Ignored

Have any of these things ever happened to you?

Your boss—or your spouse or partner—takes forever to answer your email or text, if they answer it at all.

You walk down the street and people look right past you.

You’re taken for granted by someone you’ve worked hard to please.

You race to get to an appointment on time…and the person no-shows.

You submit a job application and don’t even get a rejection letter.

As Elie Wiesel wrote, “The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference.” Indeed, being ignored can feel worse even than being rejected, making you feel as if you don’t matter at all.

When you’re often treated with indifference, you can tend to write yourself off as unworthy; if that's your default emotion, it may be a sign that you might want to work on yourself. Take a look inward: Are you asking for too much? Should you work to improve something about yourself, such as your attitude when you make requests of others?

You should consider these issues, but more often, the reality is that being ignored is a sign of the times. In our careening lives, courtesy can be a casualty. So if your email is ignored, perhaps it isn’t you.

The following may be reassuring:

Having felt that my usual donations to nonprofit groups did not yield enough good, I wrote a blog post offering to give $100 to $500 to each of three people who believed the money would help them make a difference. All I required was an email explaining what they’d do with the money. Guess how many responses I got?

One.

Even when I’m giving away free money, I’m ignored. Perhaps it’s balming to know you’re not alone. 

I don't have any magic answers for how to cope with feeling ignored. But it might help to remind yourself that you can't control others but have some measure of control over yourself. So, try to replace needing others' affirmations with your own self-appraisal. I believe that's an incomplete answer for most people but it's the best I can come up with as of today. Of course, I welcome commenters' additional ideas.

How you respond to being ignored can impact your personal and work relationships: Think twice about complaining to your boss that you feel ignored. Although he or she may be treating you indifferently, an already busy boss might actually not be treating you any different than anyone else, and consider your pressure a sign that you're a high-maintenance employee. One of my clients told his boss he was frustrated at how long it took her to answer his emails. Right then and there, she said, “You know, I think it’s time we took a break.”

Finally, a word to the perpetrators:

If you frequently ignore others, remember that you’re dealing with human beings. You may well hurt the feelings of people you ignore or respond to dilatorily. Might you want to leave just a bit of room in your crowded day for a little extra courtesy? For example, instead of ignoring someone’s email until you (may) find time to provide a full answer, promptly send a one-liner such as, “I’ll get back to you next week on this.” And if you’re ignoring a person because you don’t like having to say No, realize that silence may actually hurt the person more—as he or she is left waiting, hanging indefinitely. It needn’t take much of your time. A quick, “I’m sorry, no, we can’t work with you on your idea,” plus a brief reason, is better than leaving a person waiting for Godot.

by Marty Nemko, Ph.D. on psychologytoday